Grading Everyone's Vice Presidential Debate Performances!

Riggs 10/5/2016 12:18 PM

Last night was the VP debate. You probably didn’t know that or probably didn’t care and definitely didn’t watch because… it’s the VP debate. But worry not, I got you.

While last week we had some hilariously public performances — Chaps, the candidates — this week was a little more low key. That’s fine, there are still grades to be handed out. There was still a battle between two people vying to be 2nd in line to the most powerful office in the history of the planet. There were still some ridiculous blunders, a moderator that got run over, and some internet shenanigans to be aired out.

It’s the VP debate grades. Let’s do this.

CNN

Fire take from the Cable News Network. Just when we thought the in-your-face, infectious, explosive personalities of Mike Pence and Tim Kaine were going to steal the spotlight of this election, CNN’s there to ground us. To settle us down. To force us into taking a step backwards and remembering that yes, indeed, the 2016 presidential election is about the 2016 presidential nominees. Thank the lord for CNN.

CNN Grade: A+

Moderator Elaine Quijano

Couple different things to cover with Elaine. First, on a pure “how did she do as the moderator of a big debate” scale, she sucked. She got run over. Liberal and conservative and independent (do those exist?) pundits all agreed — she lost control early and never regained it. The boys were talking over each other. The boys were talking over her. When she did try to put her foot down, everyone just talked over her. It wasn’t great.

She also has less twitter followers than Glenny Balls.

(so do I but we didn’t come here to talk about me)

Moderator Elaine Grade: D

However, as someone who writes about relatively real news on a smut website full of hot instafamous chicks, I can recognize and appreciate a woman whose whole vibe says “yes my work is of a serious nature, but buy me a strong drink and tell me I’m pretty and I will fuck your brains out in a very serious way.” I find that wildly hot. Some of her sexual looks last night were diabolical.

Horny Elaine Grade: A+

The GOP

The GOP pulled an all time move last night. 90 minutes before the debate started, they accidentally published this:

Hilarious move. And in no way surprising. Everyone in the publishing industry pre-prepares published material so you can get it out as soon as possible. Everybody knows this. You think either the GOP or DNC’s post-debate feelings on winners and losers has even 1% to do with the actual substance and merits of the debate? Not even fucking close. Mike Pence won this debate in the GOP’s eyes the second Trump picked him, they just weren’t supposed to hit publish on it.

Hilarious but idiotic move. Added to a lot of fun pre-debate chatter and really reminded everyone why politics and America’s two-party system are universally loved.

GOP Grade: F

Riggs

Popped in that chair for my first rundown and held it down through the debate. Turns out the Vice Presidential debate does not win out over playoff baseball here at Barstool HQ, so I watched it on mute. It was interesting. If we’re being totally honest watching a debate on mute is pretty ineffective. I know this sounds obvious but PFT and I had this ambitious belief that we could “watch” the debate while “listening” to the conversation via twitter. All sounds genius until you remember the Barstool TVs are like 20 minutes delayed so yeah, it didn’t work.

Don’t watch debates on mute, people. It stinks. I did split an Uber home with Office Manager Brett last night though so pretty heroic, office-morale-boosting move from me.

Riggsy Grade: B

Tim Kaine (Hillary’s guy)

When that’s the top story on Business Insider, you probably didn’t have a great night. Sure, BI caters to the finance bro crowd, but they wouldn’t put that front and center if there weren’t a strong degree of truth to it.

I did re-watch about 60% of the debate this morning. While I don’t feel Pence won as blatantly as Hillary won last week, he was definitely better. Tim Kaine just doesn’t have much of a presence; I thought he was a dweeb before the debate and I still think he’s a dweeb after the debate.

Plainly put, Pence would beat him up on the playground every day of the week.

Tim Kaine Grade: C-

Mike Pence

I said this before the debate and I meant it — Mike Pence just comes off as a badass to me. Like he’s the Vice President in the new season of “24.” The VP who’s always handling behind-closed-doors business and under-the-table shit. The VP who you have no idea really what he does or what he stands for, who you know’s said some wildly ridiculous things, but whatever. The guy whose role isn’t policy related, he’s just the badass seat holder.

That’s Mike Pence to me and that was Mike Pence last night. He looked a little weak when he blatantly wouldn’t support or defend a lot of the things Trump has said and done, but overall he was stronger, tougher, and more badass looking than Timothy.

As stupid as it is, that means something. It’s the Vice President ffs, that basically means everything.

Mike Pence Grade: B+

We’re off for 5 days before Hillary and Donald go at it again Sunday night. Rumbles that Sunday Trump will be GOP Primary Debate Trump. Can’t wait.

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